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  • I'm currently dealing with heavy anxiety and all the nice things that come with it. I've "suffered" with depression for all my life but I've never let it take over. I'm a very positive person at heart and most of the time my positivity wins against the darkness. Right now it's difficult finding that positive spark, it feels like I'm in the dark and I see that little light but I just can't reach it...like in a nightmare where you try to grasp for something but it's impossible.
    It's not impossible and I know I'll find my way back but it's just very difficult this time. I know that it's inherent, I've had these feelings even as a little kid but with aging the frequency of these issues have increased a lot.
    I don't really even know why I'm posting this, just wanted to get it off my chest I guess. It gets so lonely feeling like this, especially because people always say "Oh you're so nice and friendly and spontaneous...everyone feels bad sometimes". You know, just because I don't walk around with a frown all the time.
    "Lift up your head
    Lift up your heart..."

    https://soundcloud.com/jaspervanbeve...orest-of-glass

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    • ^ Thanks for being so open with how you're feeling! Unfortunately, I have been in a similar place lately. But I've been struggling with depression since I've been 12 years old, so more than half of my life and since one year I've finally realized that these dark phases are often similar to a battle in a game and if you get through it, you reach a new level and grow even more. Having this back in my mind makes it easier to go through it because I know that I'll go further with myself (if that makes sense?) afterwards.

      Plus I've started to be more open about these things which has been helping a lot as well.

      Currently my biggest struggle is sleep. I'm always so afraid of sleep because I know exactly I'll have a terrible night with everything that is going on in my mind and me questioning everything I did during the day.

      The last part of your post made me smile because that is also so me! People are always surprised how friendly and nice I am and I think 'What? I'm such a mess right now, got no sleep, having a bad mood and I'm soooo insecure about myself - don't they see that?'

      Comment


      • Originally posted by Tansike View Post
        But I've been struggling with depression since I've been 12 years old, so more than half of my life and since one year I've finally realized that these dark phases are often similar to a battle in a game and if you get through it, you reach a new level and grow even more.
        This is exactly how I experience it. I know things will eventually turn out for the better, as if it's almost something that "has to be done". This knowledge doesn't make it easier though...I get so sad and disappointed when I hit another low after just climbing out of the previous one...I mean it's exhausting. But indeed, after all is said and done, it does bring so much insight and clarity and I come out with more knowledge everytime. The dark and light goes hand in hand and they both grow stronger everytime but I find it more difficult to deal with the dark everytime and sometimes I'm scared there will come a day that I forget about this pattern during a dark patch.
        I'm "glad" to hear something similar from others, not that I want anyone to feel that way but I'm glad it's not a lonely situation.

        And regarding sleep, absolutely feel you on that too. It's rare that I wake up truly rested. I sometimes wake up feeling truly rested and those are the days I feel best. Usually my nights are haunted with very vivid dreams and many wake ups.
        Last edited by Hejira; Mon October 21st, 2019, 19:52.
        "Lift up your head
        Lift up your heart..."

        https://soundcloud.com/jaspervanbeve...orest-of-glass

        Comment


        • Sorry to hear you two feel like this. I'm blessed to have a happy nature. But my husband suffers from PTSS. He's going through one of his darker moments right now. It's very hard as I feel so powerless and can't help him. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
          My Instagram... - Click here

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          • I've rejected medication for years and honestly I've managed to deal without any but since it's extra difficult to find my way out right now, my doctor gave some Oxazepam on my request just so I could experience what it would do and if it might have a positive impact.
            Let me clarify first: It's rare that I take any medication for anything, I get through headaches etc without paracetamol and I certainly don't take recreational drugs.
            So I took half an Ox pill on a plan-free day last weekend. At first I felt just a bit more relaxed but nothing a glass of wine couldn't do TBH, a few hours later I was sleepy as hell and I felt depressed for feeling sleepy and zombie-ish. I just wanted to sleep.
            The next day (the effect is supposed to wear of after 10 hours) I was enormously slow and I felt like I was daydreaming and it wasn't after another night of sleep that I felt like "myself" again.
            I'm very curious, are there people here who take this medication and how do you react to it?
            I'm more frightened to use it again after trying it...it turned me into a useless zombie for so long. Smoking a joint even seems a better option.
            "Lift up your head
            Lift up your heart..."

            https://soundcloud.com/jaspervanbeve...orest-of-glass

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            • I am feeling really great.

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              • I am feeling so-so at the moment.

                Having a few shit weeks at work, can't shake it - and that's then having an impact on other things.

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                • Originally posted by Hejira View Post
                  I've rejected medication for years and honestly I've managed to deal without any but since it's extra difficult to find my way out right now, my doctor gave some Oxazepam on my request just so I could experience what it would do and if it might have a positive impact.
                  Let me clarify first: It's rare that I take any medication for anything, I get through headaches etc without paracetamol and I certainly don't take recreational drugs.
                  So I took half an Ox pill on a plan-free day last weekend. At first I felt just a bit more relaxed but nothing a glass of wine couldn't do TBH, a few hours later I was sleepy as hell and I felt depressed for feeling sleepy and zombie-ish. I just wanted to sleep.
                  The next day (the effect is supposed to wear of after 10 hours) I was enormously slow and I felt like I was daydreaming and it wasn't after another night of sleep that I felt like "myself" again.
                  I'm very curious, are there people here who take this medication and how do you react to it?
                  I'm more frightened to use it again after trying it...it turned me into a useless zombie for so long. Smoking a joint even seems a better option.
                  Mijn man heeft oxazepam gekregen tegen stress. Het helpt, hij wordt er rustiger van. Maar inderdaad ook moe. Hij probeert het dan ook alleen te nemen als hij erg veel last heeft van stress.
                  Hij raadt aan om hier met je huisarts over te praten. Dat is de enige die je echt advies kan geven.
                  My Instagram... - Click here

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                  • I'm allright thanks!

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                    • Originally posted by RayRay View Post
                      Mijn man heeft oxazepam gekregen tegen stress. Het helpt, hij wordt er rustiger van. Maar inderdaad ook moe. Hij probeert het dan ook alleen te nemen als hij erg veel last heeft van stress.
                      Hij raadt aan om hier met je huisarts over te praten. Dat is de enige die je echt advies kan geven.
                      Vind het wel fijn om ervaringsverhalen te horen hierover, kijk mijn huisarts slikt het zelf (neem ik aan) niet, maar ze zal wel een beeld hebben van het effect door de jaren heen. Ik schrok een beetje hoe moe ik ervan werd en ik heb hierdoor meer weerstand gekregen om het te slikken, maar inderdaad, in een noodsituatie denk ik dat het zeker effect heeft op torenhoge stress en angst.
                      "Lift up your head
                      Lift up your heart..."

                      https://soundcloud.com/jaspervanbeve...orest-of-glass

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by Hejira View Post
                        Vind het wel fijn om ervaringsverhalen te horen hierover, kijk mijn huisarts slikt het zelf (neem ik aan) niet, maar ze zal wel een beeld hebben van het effect door de jaren heen. Ik schrok een beetje hoe moe ik ervan werd en ik heb hierdoor meer weerstand gekregen om het te slikken, maar inderdaad, in een noodsituatie denk ik dat het zeker effect heeft op torenhoge stress en angst.
                        Be well.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Hejira View Post
                          I've rejected medication for years and honestly I've managed to deal without any but since it's extra difficult to find my way out right now, my doctor gave some Oxazepam on my request just so I could experience what it would do and if it might have a positive impact.
                          Let me clarify first: It's rare that I take any medication for anything, I get through headaches etc without paracetamol and I certainly don't take recreational drugs.
                          So I took half an Ox pill on a plan-free day last weekend. At first I felt just a bit more relaxed but nothing a glass of wine couldn't do TBH, a few hours later I was sleepy as hell and I felt depressed for feeling sleepy and zombie-ish. I just wanted to sleep.
                          The next day (the effect is supposed to wear of after 10 hours) I was enormously slow and I felt like I was daydreaming and it wasn't after another night of sleep that I felt like "myself" again.
                          I'm very curious, are there people here who take this medication and how do you react to it?
                          I'm more frightened to use it again after trying it...it turned me into a useless zombie for so long. Smoking a joint even seems a better option.
                          Sorry, my days have been super stressful lately, otherwise I would have replied way sooner.

                          How are you dealing with the medication these days, if I may ask?
                          I took some medication during Summer 2018. I don't remember the name unfortunately, but it was basically an antidepressants paired with sleeping medication. So therefor I had to take them in the evening. I really had a better sleep quickly, but it became a real struggle to get up in the morning and at some point it took me up to two hours between the alarm clock starting to wake me up and me really going up. I also gained a LOT of weight so at some point I decided to stop taking them. So while they helped in some aspects, they were also not helpful in others and ever since I'm searching for a better solution without finding that one good solution.

                          Funny how you mention smoking a joint. To be honest that has been the best thing of all the things I've tried out. But smoking joints is also not a good thing for people with depression or other mental illness, at least that's what some doctors say. As for me, it really helps me to calm down, get my head free of all the worries in my job & my depression, I fall asleep very quickly (and have an overall better 'ending' of the day) BUT it's also tough to get up in the morning that way plus you also can't do it daily (at least I can't; I did it for a while and it has started to affect my daily life, so I had to stop). Interestingly, ever since I stopped smoking joints, I started to feel way worse again

                          So yeah, I'm still searching for that one solution and currently I have no idea what I should try out next. It's kinda annoying as I hate going in circles for so long now.

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                          • I'm feeling good.

                            I've had a few days off work, been able to recharge my batteries - looking forward to going back tomorrow though!

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                            • Blurgh. Sick at home, threw up 7 times. What a great day
                              You drew stars around my scars

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                              • Originally posted by Colbie View Post
                                Blurgh. Sick at home, threw up 7 times. What a great day
                                7 times. That's rough. Get well soon.

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                                • Originally posted by Colbie View Post
                                  Blurgh. Sick at home, threw up 7 times. What a great day
                                  That's hideous. I don't think I've ever been that sick.

                                  I'm feeling very tired today, had a rough night's sleep.

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                                  • ^ Hopefully you slept better last night!

                                    Originally posted by InFamous View Post
                                    7 times. That's rough. Get well soon.
                                    Thanks dear, luckily feeling a little bit better already
                                    You drew stars around my scars

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                                    • Holidays are finally here!! Had to work yesterday, came home at around 6pm and I have off until the new year, so Im super happy about that. And it seems like I really need those days off, as I fell asleep at 8pm while watching TV and just woke up (2am). So I just slept 6 hours without even trying. This never happens to me, and I had sleeping problems for months. So Im feeling super good, but also kinda jetlagged

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                                      • I am feeling okay today...better than the last couple says(and weeks). Depression has been kicking my behind the past couple months. The shorter fall days have not made it any better BUT I'm feeling hopeful. Hoping everyone is feeling okay today at least.

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                                        • Originally posted by dylonj View Post
                                          I am feeling okay today...better than the last couple says(and weeks). Depression has been kicking my behind the past couple months. The shorter fall days have not made it any better BUT I'm feeling hopeful. Hoping everyone is feeling okay today at least.
                                          Good to hear you're doing okay!
                                          The short days haven't really gotten to me yet either, which is surprising. The days will start lengthening slowly again, the idea alone makes me feel happy.
                                          Worst months are usually jan and feb for me though so I hope they'll pass by quickly.

                                          Lost about 22 LBS so far too, which is great. I feel much healthier and have more energy. I don't know how I gained so much weight without even noticing over the past 2 years but I need my body back. still about another 20 LBS to go.
                                          "Lift up your head
                                          Lift up your heart..."

                                          https://soundcloud.com/jaspervanbeve...orest-of-glass

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                                          • ^^^Congrats! Keep going! You will be snatched in no time!

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                                            • Kinda bummed. I haven't been in a relationship for like 7 years. I'm kinda over being a slut.

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                                              • Originally posted by hotMCfan View Post
                                                Kinda bummed. I haven't been in a relationship for like 7 years. I'm kinda over being a slut.
                                                I empathise with this struggle. Finding quality dates is hard.
                                                Akini's Top 100 Albums of the Decade: [90-86]

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                                                • Very good - I’ve been promoted today!

                                                  It cane out of nowhere - feeling grateful and pleased

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                                                  • ^ Congrats Waynieh!
                                                    You drew stars around my scars

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                                                    • Originally posted by Wayne View Post
                                                      Very good - I’ve been promoted today!

                                                      It cane out of nowhere - feeling grateful and pleased
                                                      Congrats!
                                                      Akini's Top 100 Albums of the Decade: [90-86]

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                                                      • F*cked. I feel f*cked. Tired.
                                                        My mother has started showing signs of Alzheimers since 2018 and it's really getting worse now and my dad is in and out of the hospital due to chronic lymphoma and is getting worse physically. It's a losing game cause if he gets worse my mom won't be able to live by herself and if she gets worse my dad isn't gonna get much better.
                                                        This is what it is getting older and watching your parents get old and it sucks. I'm not ready for any of this.
                                                        "Lift up your head
                                                        Lift up your heart..."

                                                        https://soundcloud.com/jaspervanbeve...orest-of-glass

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                                                        • Originally posted by Hejira View Post
                                                          F*cked. I feel f*cked. Tired.
                                                          My mother has started showing signs of Alzheimers since 2018 and it's really getting worse now and my dad is in and out of the hospital due to chronic lymphoma and is getting worse physically. It's a losing game cause if he gets worse my mom won't be able to live by herself and if she gets worse my dad isn't gonna get much better.
                                                          This is what it is getting older and watching your parents get old and it sucks. I'm not ready for any of this.
                                                          Sis so sorry to hear that. Hope both of them get better. That has to be really rough for them but also for you. I wish you a lot of strength and that everything turns out well.

                                                          --------------------------------------------------

                                                          I am feeling really off and like I am stuck lately. Don't know if it's coz I am overworked and haven't had some off time since like before Corona or that my relationship is not going anywhere. I feel like time & people are just flying by and I am just there standing with a foggy and sleepy mind.
                                                          COMMON LOVE ISN'T FOR US...

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