Relationship Advice

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Postby MadeOfBricks » Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:18 pm

I thought this would be a nice thread to open up, I thought about it cos I'm stuck with my own but everyone has rough patches with the ones they love and we're all sharing here so why not open an "advice thread" for all your relationship woes?!

Anyone is welcome to ask or give responses, but I'll start :)

Me and my girlfriend had a bit of a rough patch a few months back but things are way back on track now and better than they've ever been. We've been together just over a year now and I love her to pieces and we're so good together.

My problem is that I'm moving away to Leicester for Uni at the end of September. I know a lot of couples face this and try and stay together and it's only an hours train journey and I'd love to try and make it work but I don't know if I can.

We're used to seeing each other almost every day and to have to cut down to once a week or less seems more painful than actually splitting up and having to deal with it.
I also don't know if I'd trust myself in a new environment. I get very attatched to new people and I don't know if our relationship would survive because I can't expect her to trust me if I can't, and she knows what I'm like.

Also, she's going on holiday at the end of August with all her friends. I trust her completely, but she's said that she doesn't think it's fair that she should have to watch herself and compromise her good time for me if I'm just going to break up with her for the same reason a few weeks later, which was annoying for me but also a fair point.

:cry: Help me UKMix!
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Postby bee4ever » Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:24 pm

I honestly think it depends on the degree of love in your relationship. If you see yourself marrying her in 10 years, as opposed to breaking up with her in a few months, then go for it! If you really love each other, then I think you can get through it. If your love is that strong, then it should be able to hold you together in your time away. So I'd say try. Trying never hurts. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried right? If you don't, you'll always wonder what would have happened if you didn't.
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Postby Skelofect » Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:30 pm

I agree with Rohan here.

My brother and his girlfriend done the exact same thing, except she was living in another country studying and he had to fly over and she fly back when they could. And they're still together. And I have so much respect for them for both for staying faithful and sticking it through.

Love doesn't come easily, well love does but the right person who makes you happy and contest etc doesn't & like you say, you had a rough patch and worked through it. What if you split up with her, then you realise you want her back or vice versa and you get back together. Then this could be a bigger problem trying to get the relationship back on track, it sounds like you have both made a strong foundation to starting a successful relationship.

Seeing each other once a week and an hour away isn't that much at all and trust me being away from someone shows you how much they mean, and there's always days off and holidays for extra time. Loads of people do it! So yeah, I'd say at least try, you'll both know if it's too hard.
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Postby theberen » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:06 pm

To be brutally honest if you can't trust yourself (or selves) let alone each other than you don't deserve to be in a relationship. If you have self control & value yourself as well as her then, as Rohan & David said - you should try. If it's working now it should work later.

A positive example of "long distance" Uni relationships working is a friend of mine met this guy this time last year at prom but they both went off to different Unis in September. They alternated between the two of them as to who would visit who each weekend, and their relationship is now stronger than ever :D

Proper relationships deserve respect and patience - if you're prepared to wait for each other than what can go wrong?
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Postby MadeOfBricks » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:09 pm

I do trust myself, but its a new situation and at University I don't know how I'll react in a new environment.

I guess it's a decision myself between now and the girl I love and then missing out on the full uni experience. I think I need to talk to her properly about it, but you've certainly opened my eyes to the prospect of making it work.
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Postby theberen » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:12 pm

MadeOfBricks wrote:I do trust myself, but its a new situation and at University I don't know how I'll react in a new environment.

I guess it's a decision myself between now and the girl I love and then missing out on the full uni experience. I think I need to talk to her properly about it, but you've certainly opened my eyes to the prospect of making it work.
The full Uni experience? Absolute tosh! The Uni experience is what YOU make of it, not what your friends or relatives have made of it, or what Hollyoaks has shown you :lol:

By that I take it you mean making close friends &/or finding a long-term partner at Uni? Well you don't need the latter if you already have it & for the former - are your worried your gf will get jealousy of your new friendships with people?

Or are you worried that they'll become close friends with benefits? Either way she can't justify her not "watching herself" and "compromising" on holiday because she has doubts for the future. That's just silly talk!
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Postby MadeOfBricks » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:16 pm

Yea I sort of agree its silly talk on both parts. I dunno, I guess I just want to meet new people and not have any restrictions but it would be worth it.

I think she would get extremely jealous, she does now. I think she feels like she'd be missing out and she wouldn't trst me just because that's how she is, and because she doesn't know anybody I'll be with. She'd just have to learn to adapt, but with me not being able to 100% trust myself, I don't know how I expect her to trust me.
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Postby theberen » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:22 pm

Why can't you trust yourself? :-? And in terms of what?

Well, to be honest she needs to accept that you are two different people - I don't like it when two people in a couple become the same person & all clingy etc. You need separate friends & separate lives - I think that's much healthier than always knowing each other's friends & social lives.
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Postby Skelofect » Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:23 pm

theberen wrote:
MadeOfBricks wrote:I do trust myself, but its a new situation and at University I don't know how I'll react in a new environment.

I guess it's a decision myself between now and the girl I love and then missing out on the full uni experience. I think I need to talk to her properly about it, but you've certainly opened my eyes to the prospect of making it work.
The full Uni experience? Absolute tosh! The Uni experience is what YOU make of it
Yeah. I was just going to say the exact same thing here! It's what you make of it, it's your experience! Because most people behave a certain way, you don't have to you. You'll still have fun. Obviously the idea of being young and single is great, you can still have the full experience and have a girlfriend too, it's a bonus I reckon.

Another thing to think about is breaking up with her, break up's are always shit and combine that with moving to a new place. handling change is difficult enough without that on top.

Sorry to hear that you have issues, everyone does though, it's worse to worry over them. Jealousy is because she want's you & doesn't want anyone else to have you, which is kind of a nice thing in a way. But it's also obvious that the jealousy is making you feel insecure, which is affecting you. I know that's prob not what you want to read.

I think you'll know what to do if you think long and hard about it and hope you have a good time at Uni!
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Postby Thriller » Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:21 am

It sounds like you think you'll HAVE to have sex with a girl you meet at Uni to walk away with the full experience. I've never been to Uni but I know loads of people who have who have either a) stayed in their pre-existing relationship throughout b) met someone at Uni and stayed faithful and c) stayed single throughout the whole of Uni!

Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you're pre-empting excuses not to let the relationship work? If I were you, and you felt about her as you say, I'd put in as much effort as possible to make it work and I genuinely don't think this will have as much impact on your Uni experience as you think cos like everyone has said, it's what you make of it!
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Postby UKMusicLova » Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:43 am

I don't know much about Uni, but personally when my boyfriend went to college, we aren't together as much. But I don't think there is an issue of us being unfaithful, or cheating etc. The issue is where either party of the relationship can become paranoid, which leads to being possesive and obsessive a bit. This can create a drift in a relation, which doesn't do either person any good. But this may not apply to everyone.

If you feel your love is strong, stick it out. You'll end up regretting it if you don't! But if you don't think it's love, and you are only together, because "you can be", then maybe it's time to call it quits!

I don't know honestly. But my own mind is really confused at the moment too! :P
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Postby pollei » Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:09 am

Just a question guys, what is uni ? :-? Is it somewhat related to Unicorn?
Last edited by pollei on Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby sambo9 » Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:18 am

pollei wrote:Just a question guys, what is uni ? :-?Is it somewhat related to Unicorn?
:o

There are no words.
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Postby pollei » Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:33 am

What is it exactly.? :-? :oops:
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Postby Thriller » Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:58 am

LOOOOOOL oh Polly :lol:
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Postby Thombus » Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:00 pm

Haha!! Pol, Uni is University :lol:

Going off what you say MadeofBricks, I think you should call it a day. A relationship is something to be proud of and any relationship can't continue without trust.

Plus the fact you think that by being in a relationship will restrict you from having the whole Uni experience just screams to me that the whole uni experience to you means other women etc.

Being in a relationship and going to Uni hasn't affected my relationship with my fiancee - she trusts me entirely and vice versa - and I'm proud to say that I have someone who loves me to any new peers I meet. Doesn't stop me having a good time, nor does it affect the perception people have of me.
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Postby steophonic » Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:30 pm

Thriller wrote:It sounds like you think you'll HAVE to have sex with a girl you meet at Uni to walk away with the full experience. I've never been to Uni but I know loads of people who have who have either a) stayed in their pre-existing relationship throughout b) met someone at Uni and stayed faithful and c) stayed single throughout the whole of Uni!

Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you're pre-empting excuses not to let the relationship work? If I were you, and you felt about her as you say, I'd put in as much effort as possible to make it work and I genuinely don't think this will have as much impact on your Uni experience as you think cos like everyone has said, it's what you make of it!
I agree with all of that - Well done Mike :lol:

At the end of the day if you would rather experience the perceived "experience" of uni then you have to weigh that up with how much you love your girlfriend and how much you value your relationship. Perhaps, see how it goes for the first six months and you might be thinking a bit clearer by then. There is nothing to say that you MUST split up just because you are starting uni.

I've known many people who were in a relationship throughout uni and had a good time and I also knew people who came to uni in a long term relationship and split up during the course of the first year. Sometimes the practicality of things can prove to be too difficult.

Though what I would say is that you should think carefully about the issue of trust. I think that is something that the whole relationship should be based on. I think it is one of the reasons that my own relationship ended.

However, true love is hard to find and you have to be careful you don't make any quick decisions that you may regret later.
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Postby Tom92 » Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:37 pm

I think you should give it a go, if its only an hour's train journey, it could work if you both want it to. I dont think Long Distance relationships work for me, but everyone is different.
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Postby theberen » Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:32 pm

Tom92 wrote:I think you should give it a go, if its only an hour's train journey, it could work if you both want it to. I dont think Long Distance relationships work for me, but everyone is different.
Yeah but but Tom an hour's train journey isn't "Long Distance". Unless you're an MP of course.
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Postby gagaculture » Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:58 pm

Ok gonna copy and paste this (What I wrote in a separate thread)...

So, I have a girlfriend I have been with for about two years now. We have seen each other practically EVERY single day of those two years and we are totally in love with each other. My anniversary present for her was taking her out to dinner, and I sung a song for her icon_redface.gif then I gave her the ring she wanted for about a whole year! Everything has been going fine until now icon_frown.gif I love her, so much and now there's a problem...
About three days ago we had an argument on the phone about us not spending enough time together. I have been at work a lot, and then we have school (Which we hardly see each other, cause we are in completely different classes) and I have very serious family issues going on. I seriously CANNOT tell her the problem. I don't know how to make her understand that. I don't even want her to know there is a problem. Now she thinks I am trying to avoid her and to make it even worse, the girl I work with has a crush on me and she is constantly all over me. Then, as she was leaning on me and then gave me a slap on the bum, my girlfriend was right there outside coming to give me my cellphone which I left at her house! icon_eek.gif icon_mad.gif Very bad timing! Now she doesn't even want to talk to me. I have taken it to the next level with her! I'm totally in love and this is the first time we've had a big fight like this! HELP icon_eek.gif

I seriously can't go telling anyone about the family issue, not even her. Then I'm the one getting the blame for 'not trying to help the relationship' when I am trying my hardest to do everything I can.
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Postby abi » Sat Jun 13, 2009 2:08 pm

^wow it looks like your family problem is definitely a serious problem

it's so hard, maybe if she doesn't wanna talk to you anymore, you may ask some helps to one of her best friends. You can tell him / her what's going on, and then that person you've told to could tell your problem to your girlfriend and support your relationship.

Because if she doesn't even wanna talk to you anymore it doesn't mean that she doesn't wanna talk to her best friends.

Try it!

anyway, sorry for my confusing English
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Postby Thombus » Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:34 pm

theberen wrote:
Tom92 wrote:I think you should give it a go, if its only an hour's train journey, it could work if you both want it to. I dont think Long Distance relationships work for me, but everyone is different.
Yeah but but Tom an hour's train journey isn't "Long Distance". Unless you're an MP of course.
:lol:

Of course, but then you'd have a house (with a moat) on expenses near Uni and your g/f can live with you. Problem solved!
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Postby NoAngels » Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:52 pm

sambo9 wrote:
pollei wrote:Just a question guys, what is uni ? :-?Is it somewhat related to Unicorn?
:o

There are no words.
English isn't his mother tonuge I guess, so how do you expect him to know it!
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Postby John » Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:58 pm

NoAngels wrote:
sambo9 wrote:
pollei wrote:Just a question guys, what is uni ? :-?Is it somewhat related to Unicorn?
:o

There are no words.
English isn't his mother tonuge I guess, so how do you expect him to know it!
Context. Why the hell would MadeOfBricks be going to Leicester for a unicorn?
This post is highly unlikely to be serious. Please treat it accordingly. Unless it's music-related, in which case I'm damn well right.
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Postby steophonic » Sat Jun 13, 2009 4:10 pm

John wrote:
NoAngels wrote:
sambo9 wrote:
pollei wrote:Just a question guys, what is uni ? :-?Is it somewhat related to Unicorn?
:o

There are no words.
English isn't his mother tonuge I guess, so how do you expect him to know it!
Context. Why the hell would MadeOfBricks be going to Leicester for a unicorn?
Exactly, clearly if you wanted a Unicorn you have to go to Yorkshire :lol:
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