UKmix Songwriter Idol 2009 (Final results)

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Postby danlucky16 » Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:10 pm

Oh no, I gush even when you criticise! It's just nice when someone takes the time to acknoledge something you've done, whether they like it or not!
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Postby king_oxymoron » Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:45 pm

I do worry because Dan knows I liked some of his entries last time around more than others as he is a friend and I don't want to say bad things.. that's why the anonymous thing is good. I have no idea who he is. Usually I can pick Josh out straighaway but I've no idea this time!
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Postby Thombus » Tue Jul 07, 2009 10:00 pm

I haven't a clue who anyone is - I don't really know the entrants enough on a personal level to hazzard a guess - so I'll be blunt and worry about it later when the hate PM's come through :lol:
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Postby Yoshimo » Wed Jul 08, 2009 2:22 am

king_oxymoron wrote:I do worry because Dan knows I liked some of his entries last time around more than others as he is a friend and I don't want to say bad things.. that's why the anonymous thing is good. I have no idea who he is. Usually I can pick Josh out straighaway but I've no idea this time!
MWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. :lol:

...possibly slightly drunk. Time for bed.

Or perhaps I should write my entry while drunk? PLAN.
The alternative to the real world.
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Postby theberen » Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:34 pm

I think I can guess who Yoshimo, Tom & Jark are, and then a couple of the others, but that could possibly be because of the whole language barrier thing.
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Postby Tom92 » Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:38 pm

I've got no idea who anyone else is.

In other news, my song is 1/3rd finished 8-)

Need to do some schoolwork though :evil:
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Postby AyumiH » Thu Jul 09, 2009 6:34 pm

Three songs in! Just need four more. Tomorrow is the deadline (that came by fast didn't it?)
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Postby theberen » Thu Jul 09, 2009 11:21 pm

AyumiH wrote:Three songs in! Just need four more. Tomorrow is the deadline (that came by fast didn't it?)
You're telling me?! :o
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Postby Ahahuha » Thu Jul 09, 2009 11:43 pm

My song is in!
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Postby danlucky16 » Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:32 pm

I was super organised, I sent my song the first day Sophie asked for them!

I'm such a teacher's pet.
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Postby Ahahuha » Fri Jul 10, 2009 12:48 pm

danlucky16 wrote:
I'm such a teacher's pet.
yes, we know that.
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Postby Thombus » Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:28 pm

Ahahuha wrote:
danlucky16 wrote:
I'm such a teacher's pet.
yes, we know that.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby danlucky16 » Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:47 pm

Cheeky bitch! :lol:

Is Sophie posting the songs today or tomorrow?
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Postby Ahahuha » Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:10 pm

danlucky16 wrote:
Is Sophie posting the songs today or tomorrow?
Oh come on, I think you already know that. We should ask you. Is she?
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Postby king_oxymoron » Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:14 pm

:lol: :lol:

Dan is getting OWNED. Yeah Dan, what's her schedule?
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Postby Xyzyrgy » Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:09 pm

Entry in....jsut barely sheesh...well i hope i made it :oops: :o
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Postby Tom92 » Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:18 pm

Arghh Suspense is killing me again :lol:

I'm loving this competition, hope I dont go.
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Postby AyumiH » Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:36 pm

Now that all entries are in I'll post them. :D
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Postby AyumiH » Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:44 pm

Contestant 1
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SHE GOT

It is her that my body burns to discover,
How long can my feelings remain undercover?


She’s got, she’s got, what I cannot, cannot
Resist, even though she seems to dismiss me
Head spinning round, she’s my obsession,
And I will not sleep till she’s my possession,

She’s got, she’s got, what the others do not,
A power so strong, she can’t see that we belong.
She’s a Phoenix, risen up to hunt my heart down,
Not playing around, I need her to the ground


3AM, I’m staring down into her black hole eyes,
A thousand miles of mystery hidden deep inside

Ignited in me, a love for her that’ll never subside
Beneath the surface, a desire I can no longer hide.

She’s like a hurricane, blowing out my mind,
Pulling me in, will never leave her behind

It is her that my body burns to discover,
How long can my feelings remain undercover?


Yeah she’s got, she’s got, what I cannot, cannot
Resist, even though she seems to dismiss me
Head spinning round, she’s my obsession,
And I will not sleep till she’s my possession,

She’s got, she’s got, what the others do not,
A power so strong, she can’t see that we belong.
She’s a Phoenix, risen up to hunt my heart down,
Not playing around, I need her to the ground


I’m hooked, another to add to her collection,
I would tell her, but I have fear of rejection,

It’s like she’s given me a love injection,
I just want to keep her safe and protected

She’s come from underneath, pulled me under,
With her, a whole new world in I want to roam

It is her that my body burns to discover,
How long can my feelings remain undercover?


Yeah she’s got, she’s got, what I cannot, cannot
Resist, even though she seems to dismiss me
Head spinning round, she’s my obsession,
And I will not sleep till she’s my possession,

She’s got, she’s got, what the others do not,
A power so strong, she can’t see that we belong.
She’s a Phoenix, risen up to hunt my heart down,
Not playing around, I need her to the ground


She’s my addiction, without prescription,
Beating only for her, my heart restricted,

The one girl in the world that I can’t impress
She’s been driving me wild but I won’t confess.

One day I’m begging that she’ll see,
That her and me are supposed to be.

Yeah She’s got, she’s got, what I cannot, cannot
Resist, even though she seems to dismiss me
Head spinning round, she’s my obsession,
And I will not sleep till she’s my possession,

She’s got, she’s got, what the others do not,
A power so strong, she can’t see that we belong.
She’s a Phoenix, risen up to hunt my heart down,
Not playing around, I need her to the ground

Not playing around, I need her to the ground


It is her that my body burns to discover,
How long can my feelings remain undercover?
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: Another solid effort this week contestant 1. On the whole I'd say it's a bit too long and repetitive, I think there's easily a 'radio edit' in there by taking out some of the repetition, perhaps doing the first chorus as just four lines and adding the other four the second time around, that kind of thing. But I like the bones of it.
There are a couple of the usual lines that bug me, one being in the chorus 'I need her to the ground'. Perhaps it's just me, but I have little to no idea what you mean by that. I was assuming you meant that as she's a Phoenix that is going to hunt (and presumably hurt?) your heart, you want her back as ashes? I'm not sure. Certainly if I heard this I would think it said 'I kneed her to the ground', ie you gave her a good violent whacking!
Also the line 'a whole new World in I want to roam'. Did you mean 'in which I want to roam'? If this is just a slip up in typing, you really need to be thoroughly checking your entries before you send as this confusion can break up the flow. If that is what you meant to write, then sorry, I don't understand.
The italics bit made me think maybe it was spoken, and thus of Adam Rickitt - I Breathe Again. I'm sorry, this is my own warped mind and not your fault. I will not be marking you down! :P
There are alot of similar rhymes too - prescription, collection, rejection, injection, even possession and obsession aren't that far off - perhaps try next time to vary your rhyme choices a bit more? Out loud it might all start to sound a bit samey and uninspired.
Wow, it sounds like I'm really slating it this time, but while I think it is slightly old ground content wise, I do like most of the original chunks of writing, that is to say the verses and the chorus before it's all repeated. I would call this entry, solid, dependable, decent, I think next time you can be adventurous, exciting, enchanting - you have it in you.
the_beren: Contestant 1 – I can imagine this as being an r’n’b-flavoured mid-tempo track and it’s clear that in terms of structure you’ve come on leaps and bounds. We now have proper rhyming couplets and stanzas, though I still feel you’re lacking in originality. I could get a feel of how the chorus would sound, and for the most part it’s quite good, but the last line – Not playing around, I need her to the ground is terrible. If I heard that on the radio I might think you meant you knead her to the ground, like dough. Again, you seem to have a habit of forcing a rhyme; in many of the verses you mess up the syntax of a normal sentence such as – Ignited in me, a love for her that’ll never subside. Perhaps you get your inspiration from Yoda. Also, I don’t like the bridge. You know it’s her that your body burns to discover as you talk about her in the whole song, so this line seems pointless. It would have been appreciated to see a middle 8 instead of a repetition of the verse structure from before – this tends to make a song sound like it’s going on forever and may lose the audience’s attention on the radio. A good effort, but not the strongest of the week.

Thombus:
I really appreciated your effort last week, which was no doubt the better song in terms of structure, however, I do see a pattern emerging after reading ‘she got’ – I think we’re dealing with a one trick pony here.

Your first song in this competition was ‘Memory Lane’ – a song about love, losing the one you love, pining for them – notable quote: “The darkness pressing all memories of you on my eyes”

Next, we were treated to ‘Unfrozen’ – an attempt at the ‘happiest day of ones life’ and we got, quote: “I am here, in this room, and now I’m alone I feel nothing but warmth/Why was I singled out in that seemingly endless gloom?” & “And now I lie awake at night again, but I feel unlocked without the pain,
Because after every dark night, the sun must rise….”

Last week, as I mentioned just now, I was pleased with your entry, but again we had – quote: “Now through the darkness I run/Are we over before we’ve began?” & “a nightmare/Burning strong, a spark, out from nowhere/Who to love, my mind raging, open warfare”.

Do you see my point?! There’s a songwriter in there somewhere, and that’s obvious given your flair for structure, but week after week it gets tedious to read about darkness, loneliness, love etc. There are loads of ways to express infatuation/lust/love but you seem to go down the same route each week, it's all a bit grim :-?

This week was the remaining contestants’ chance to show that they’ve grown throughout this competition, taking inspiration from each other and really using their creativity and the judges constructive criticism to pull something totally original and wonderful out the bag. You didn’t impress me on this occasion and I can’t see you here next week – sorry dude.
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Contestant 2
Image
It is a talk-sing song, written for a female "singer" and the parts in brackets would be sung/shouted by men. It would also have a consistently strong beat throughout, up until the mid8, when things slow down a bit. The lyrics are about the breakdown of a relationship - and the female is feeling bitter, and desperately wants to dish out some petty revenge to alleviate her emotions, when in actual fact, all he needs to do is say sorry to allow her to move on. But he won't because he's an arrogant sh*t.
Revenge

Verse
Yeah, you have your cake and eat it / you always were a greedy pig -
& ever so conceited & consumed in your reality,
Walkin' 'round you own the town / but not for long that’s changing now, -
You’re unaware of what’s to come & that’s what’s making this so fun,

Bridge
Boy you better get a grip / I like to watch you losing it,
Fighting with my evilness / I would pay to see you slip,
Boy you’ve got to turn around / soon it will come crashing down,
Falling fast before your eyes / I will never sympathise -

Chorus
For I wanna see you pay,
I wanna hear you say (help me)
I wanna break your dreams,
I wanna hear you scream (argh)
Running you up the wall,
I wanna hear you call (help me)
Chasing you round the bend,
Just cos I want revenge (woo yeah)

Verse
Revenge I got is smoking hot / I’d never want to take it cold,
Stand above my witches’ pot / revenge can cure your every woe, (woah)
You’re no longer watertight / caving in beneath my might,
You can feel the rising tide / & now there’s nowhere left to hide -

Bridge
Boy you better get a grip / I like to watch you losing it,
Fighting with my evilness / I would pay to see you slip,
Boy you’ve got to turn around / soon it will come crashing down,
Falling fast before your eyes / I will never sympathise -

Chorus x 2

Mid8
Perhaps now / I ought to pull the plug,
On this game / on our love,
& somehow / I’ll move on,
But for now / I’m gonna get some / revenge,

I wanna see you pay / I wanna hear you say,
I wanna break you dreams / I wanna hear you scream,
I wanna see you pay / I wanna hear you say,
I wanna break your dreams / I wanna rip the seams,(Ooh - Argh)

Chorus

Chorus and -

(I want to know you heard / I want you to say the words –
& get what you deserve / you’re pushing on my final nerve) x 2
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: Quite a simple idea from you Contestant 2 but executed well into song format as ever. As with every round so far, this screams hit single in terms of the way it's structured and would likely sound. My problem with it is the huge difference in quality between verse and chorus - the verses are some of your best writing in the entire competition - the watertight, conceited, and witches pot lines especially which are as good as some of the other gems you have presented - BUT the chorus is really, lyrically, quite weak and tame. You had the opportunity to really let rip after a nicely set up verse and bridge, and I think you just lost yourself in generics for perhaps the most important part of the song.
That's not to say I didn't like it, and I certainly think it would suffice if we were judging on the song as a whole package, but as ever, we are not and this just seems a bit inferior.
I liked the attention to detail, that the bits in brackets would be shouted by men and that the word immediately after 'woe' (by the woman) was 'woah' (by the man), again this demonstrates your clear knowledge on how a song should sound and be structured. Is this enough? I don't know, I certainly think this is another decent effort from you but would like to see a set of lyrics that don't slip into substandard territory from start to finish!
the_beren: Your verses are much stronger than your chorus here, Contestant 2, but in the first verse I would have liked to have seen a rhyme between the first and second lines. If you took out “pig” from line one that should do the trick. I like how you’ve rhymed “eat it” with “conceited” mid-sentence – a nice touch and I can imagine this being sung by Kate Nash or someone similar. The bridge is spectacular – I can imagine it building up and pausing before dropping into the chorus which, as I said, is comparatively weaker lyrically, and I’m not sure I’d like the sounds of the man saying help me etc. Very clever use of a homophone in verse 2, (woe, (woah)), and the middle 8 leading into a new version of the chorus is ultra-sophisticated. The last lines are superb and the line – You’re pushing on my final nerve is one of many great lyrics from this piece. This is the sort of standard of songwriting I’d expect from a professional – you’re definitely growing with each round.
Thombus: Loved your song outline…and I’m glad you made a point of explaining the beat is a fast one up until the mid8 – makes perfect sense. The track itself is on some Kelis – Caught Out There sh*t! The attitude that comes from the lead female part is intense – yes, the lyrics may not be the deepest lyrics in the world, but I have no qualms in what you wrote and where you put it – it simply does the job.

The bridge is very well written and it made me smile – the chorus starts off well but the running up the wall thing taints it slightly – but that’s my only criticism.

You took the concept of love and betrayal and instead of writing about darkness, lying in bed at 3am, feeling pain etc you made a fantastic fast paced romp of a song which was both enjoyable to read and very easy to envisage as a song on the radio. Great job!
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Contestant 5
Image
Deny It

Deny it
See if you can help how you feel
You can’t even forget that it was real
But you can try it
‘Cause I know that you think of me
When you’re with any other guy
I’m plastered all over your mind
You remember what we did and
How much you liked it
Just Go with how you feel
Yeah the attractions full and thick,
Me and my touch, I’m sick with it,
I’ll Show you some new tricks
So don’t you fight it

I’m the only thought on your mind
You Can’t Deny
How much you dream of me at night
You Can’t Deny
Like you freeze when I’m in sight
You Can’t Deny
I can tell you crave for me inside
You Can’t Deny

So why you trying to hide, telling your friends lies,
Seeing me on the sly, what we doing is right
I wanna be your guy, you know it’s time
So tell them tonight, cause now your mine
Can’t Deny It (Now your mine)
Can’t Deny It (All Mine)
Can’t Deny It (Your Mine)
Can’t Deny It

Deny it
How many times you tried to slip on by
But look how your life’s all over their eyes
They spy it
People ask you where you been
And what you’ve been up to lately
You try and avoid their questioning
So you make up a little story
But do they buy it
Why you keeping your lips so sealed
Don’t be shy, what we doin aint a crime
So hold your head up high and reveal
That you’re with me, I’m in your life
Confess your love, stand by it

I’m the only thought on your mind
You Can’t Deny
How much you dream of me at night
You Can’t Deny
Like you freeze when I’m in sight
You Can’t Deny
I can tell you crave for me inside
You Can’t Deny

So why you trying to hide, telling your friends lies,
Seeing me on the sly, what we doing is right
I wanna be your guy, you know it’s time
So tell them tonight, cause now your mine
Can’t Deny It (Now your mine)
Can’t Deny It (All Mine)
Can’t Deny It (Your Mine)
Can’t Deny It

You tried to hide, tried to lie
Tried to deny, but it taxed your mind
Complicated your life
So it’s time to decide
Now go on and certify
Admit I’m yours, say your mine
Relax everything will be fine
Just Don’t Deny, Don’t Deny,
Don’t Deny it

I’m the only thought on your mind
You Can’t Deny
How much you dream of me at night
You Can’t Deny
Like you freeze when I’m in sight
You Can’t Deny
I can tell you crave for me inside
You Can’t Deny

So why you trying to hide, telling your friends lies,
Seeing me on the sly, what we doing is right
I wanna be your guy, you know it’s time
So tell them tonight, cause now your mine
Can’t Deny It (Now your mine)
Can’t Deny It (All Mine)
Can’t Deny It (Your Mine)
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: Once again I get the very urban vibe from you, No.5! I think it's the way you've structured the verses each time, alot packed in which generally makes me think it's a very quick, slick tempo and makes me sing the words very speedily - it gives me that rnb feel that makes me say 'Mariah' each time!
In that sense, it's very authentic, lyrically and structurally, as a song. I do think this is another which slips into a quite generic topic and sometimes generic lyrics too. I think that it seems catchy - but not standout. It gets quite repetitive and is again a bit too long like Round 1. It's actually a lot harder to comment on the generic ones than it is on the obviously bad ones, there is little to say other than that I hope to see something a bit more exciting next time if you are still with us?
the_beren: Well you knew you had to pull it out of the bag, Contestant 5, after two very weak rounds and boy – did you ever! Again, like Hex On Me this is an overly-long piece to my eyes, however, most of your rhymes are great, such as You tried to hide, tried to lie / Tried to deny, but it taxed your mind, (and I love the juxtaposition of the singer wanting the person but also patronising them). The verses do need cutting down a little, mind. Plus, you use the word “deny” far too much – it crops up in every single section of your song and is a case of pure overkill. In the chorus it sort of trails off at the end as well - you need to say something new in the brackets as right now those lines in particular are letting the side down. An extremely slick piece though all told; you manage to talk about love without resorting to total cheese unlike some of the other contestants, and I think perhaps you only struggle when you’re set a theme to work by, as it’s clear that on the free writes you show some real promise. Welcome back to the game.
Thombus: Long song! I think the verses are a tad too long winded, I must admit the initial verse didn’t capture my attention for long – I think you could of left out “Yeah the attractions full and thick/Me and my touch, I’m sick with it/I’ll Show you some new tricks/So don’t you fight it” – it’s not well worded and what exactly do you mean by ‘Im sick with it’ – with what? Your own touch or the denial?

Anywhoo, I do like the bridge – You remember that song by Jimmy Nail whereby he’s singing with a bird and he’s like “she’s lying” after every line she sings? (someone help me out on the name of that track) – it reminds me of that, but a little more RnB.

The chorus isn’t bad – but it isn’t as solid as the bridge – ‘seeing me on the sly’ isn’t a good line at all – definitely could of reworded it.

Overall, I liked the idea, the structure is safe and it does make sense – just not a very strong song in terms of lyrics for me – I much preferred last weeks entry – similarly to contestant one, I see a pattern emerging with you – only contestant one loved darkness, pain blah blah blah – you simply enjoy sex. Good man.

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Contestant 6
Image
SONG INFORMATION : This song is about a boy who is in love with a girl who passed away. He is so desperately in love with her and he thinks that he has to hate her so it could be easier for him to forget her. That is because the memory of her makes him feel so imponent and depressed. At the first stanza we see him trying to remember some bad things of her like the tears that she weeped and trying to make himself believe that they were fake. But after that, he forgave her. Then he tried to remember some lies that she had told him but even those look like they have been told so artfully. After that he tries to get warm in the silence of her words (which are silent because she is dead so he cannot hear her) and because of her ansence, it feels cold. The song continues with the same theme until the last stanza where he just quits from all those unsuccessful attempts to hate her and just accepts how much he loves her and how much he wants her back to his life.
Song Title : Miss You

It was a rainy Thursday
when I tried to count down
all the tears that you weeped
After that I wandered
in the desert of forgivness
where a raindrop dript

I could not stop dancing
in the rhythm of the lies
that you artfully told
Long afterwards I got warmed
in the silence of your words
even that felt so cold

Chorus:
Looks like I'm wasting my time
you commited a quite serious crime
I tried my best to make you look mean
but, God! you were just nineteen (x2)

I know I have to hate you
so I found the book of pride
it had your name on it
Even that was not that hard
but the book of your fascination
that was easy to read

All that sweet mystification
is now going downhill
in a vacant ride,
trying to impress me
but it looks pure to me like
children playing on the slide

Chorus:
Looks like I'm wasting my time
you commited a quite serious crime
I tried my best to make you look mean
but, God! you were just nineteen (x2)

I wish you could be here with me
so I could touch, hug and kiss you
I guess that's the only way
to show you that I miss you
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: This is a good little effort No.6 (much better than last time) but I'm not sure how well I would have understood what you are trying to say without the pre-song spiel you gave us. I certainly would not have understood verse 1, I think there are other things to be taken from the idea that it's raining AND she is crying other than that her tears might be fake.. it's just not something you assume from verse 1. I guess if you revisited this song more and more, it's the kind you could take something different from every time, but I don't think you can expect the listener/reader to gauge your meaning on their own first time necessarily. With your help though, I enjoyed the concept and the ideas you portrayed. Trying to figure out what her crime was, other than dying? Is it that?
It's very poignant, I have it down as a very delicate singer-songwriter niche song. Someone like Imogen Heap or Regina Spektor perhaps, a little bit kooky, the ideas are never obvious and are always expressed quite uniquely. I love the idea of reading a book of fascination and that being the easy read. It's this out of the box lyricism that makes your work stand out the most sometimes, because you simply don't see it day to day.
Though I would say it's a difficult read, it is a fulfilling one.
the_beren: Without the description at the top, Contestant 6, I don’t think I would have been able to guess that this song was about a boy who was in love with a girl who died. Instead, it reads like a song about how he simply didn’t get over her after they broke up, and you also contradict yourself. In the second verse you wrote – Long afterwards I got warmed / In the silence of your words / Even that felt cold. So was he warm or cold at this point? The chorus alludes to deeper secrets that you don’t really explain – what was this quite serious crime (a line that sounds very stilted anyhow). I really like the lyrics in verse 4 especially, but I can’t see how it slots in with the subject. How can she be trying to impress him when she is dead? The last verse is touching but it doesn’t say anything new. Overall, I think some lines are confusing, and some lines are very forgettable, whilst a select few, such as I could not stop dancing / In the rhythm of lies / That you artfully told are very good, but I don’t think you’ve conveyed enough emotion about your topic for the song to come across as all that powerful. One of the weaker entries this week.
Thombus: Oh wow, this is seriously messed up!! I think the track initially reads like a poem, you do have a way with words, I think you really enjoy English and I really appreciate the effort you show week in week out, you think very carefully about what you’re trying to express without being very generic and toosimplistic.

The song this week is an improvement on last week, but not a patch on your earlier entries in my opinion. Reading the song, I wouldn’t really grasp what it was about as such without your prose beforehand – the first and second verse made me think ‘eh?’ – I didn’t get it. Maybe your aforementioned love of the English language and how it works leads to you over-complicate things? The line about the lies was clever, but before it – ‘I could not stop dancing’....what do you mean by that?

‘After that I wandered/in the desert of forgivness/where a raindrop dript’ – my interpretation of this is that you couldn’t ‘feel’ her tears, convincing yourself they were fake but then you attempted to forgive and you felt them for the first time – such a beautiful lyric.

Much of this song is confusing, but it has elements of brilliance and when I say it’s ‘messed up’, I mean emotionally. I can definitely see you here next week, I hope that the effort is more like ‘May’ in terms of structure and simplicity, but alot like this in terms of emotion.
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Contestant 7
Image
After I disappointed myself and two of the judges in the last round I decided to revisit the theme of mentality this week with an aim of getting it right. The song is written from the perspective of somebody who is obsessing about the first time that they meet a celebrity they're madly and bizzarely in love with. He or she visualises their first conversation, but unusually for a psychotic mind they understand that the subject of the song may not feel the same way. It is, of course, um.. entirely fictional! Musically it'd be a minimal, uptempo electropop song with a very half-arsed vocal.

Ajask

I've been thinking of you
A space in my mind
I have been thinking of you
Envisage a time
What would occur if we met?
A chain in my mind
How we'd converse if we met

I see you on display inside the walls of my brain
I see, I dream, that we, could be
I hear your voice reverb and I trip up on the kerb
We shake, we speak, I ask, love me

I frequent your garden edge
To catch sight of you
Spy behind the garden hedge
Shrubbery eye view
What would unfold if we spoke?
Most endearing of tones
What would I see if I woke?

I see you on display inside the walls of my brain
I see, I dream, that we, could be
I hear your voice reverb and I trip up on the kerb
We shake, we speak, I ask, love me

I've been thinking of you
The prettiest face
I have been thinking of you
Charm visible from space
Now tell me what I'll see if I wake

I see you on display inside the walls of my brain
I see, I dream, that we, could be
I hear your voice reverb and I trip up on the kerb
We shake, we speak, I ask, love me
I ask, love me
I ask, love me
I ask, love me
I ask
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: You continue to confuse me, Contestant 7. What is 'Ajask'? I think sometimes you think the song title has to really make your song stand out. It doesn't, 9 times out of 10 your lyrics do that for you. I would have much preferred this to have been called something simpler, even if you wanted it to be a little bit obscure and picked a single word from the lyrics, like 'frequent'.
Anyway, onto the actual song, very brave of you to revisit the area we largely didn't like last week, and let me tell you you have conquered the demon. I, for one, really liked it. You are right about it being minimal, but it's different, it's interesting, it is the unique of Contestant 6 without being the difficult read too. I flew through this with ease and really enjoyed it. Your description and some of the read put me in mind of the electro Holly Valance, some of the lyrics of Maximo Park - particularly the garden edge/shubbery line which was superb. I think a mash up of these two vastly different artists could be a winner!
You keep up your quota of oddly banal references - the linen and horses of the past replaced with the much better 'kerb' mention which worked this time.
There is one word in your lyrics which describe your entry - charm. This is a totally charming, realistic approach to somebody who has an obsession but is aware of it. Such a great topic to pick, it's about a relationship but not the conventional one most write of. Back to your brilliant best
the_beren: The stupid titles continue, Contestant 7. Thankfully, the lyrics don’t carry on in the same vein – this time, and for the first time in this competition, I was able to instantly create a song out of the piece. I sung it as a jaunty tune with a delightfully catchy chorus featuring my favourite kind of lyrics – bittersweet ones. The verses, especially verse 1, are more lacking. In verse 1 – the repetition of thinking of you and if we met is irritating; it seems as though you wrote the rest of the work first and added this section just to complete the song. Shrubbery eye view is a brilliant line and visually evocative – I can imagine someone doing just that. The middle 8 has the repetition occurring, (of the same line as well!), but it is saved by the line at the end which I imagine would lead to a pause before the chorus kicks back in. I love how by the end of the song you’re almost imploring them to love you and I think on an emotional level this song is very accomplished. Lyrically it is not perfect in the slightest but it’s a major improvement on Insanity Of Love.
Thombus: Firstly, I loved your entry last week, and if I was you, I wouldn’t beat myself up about it. It was either one of those tracks you ‘got’ or you didn’t. Adam & Beren didn’t, so more fool them.
Moving on to this week, I must ask, what is Ajask? It’s an odd title to say the least!
Your entry this week is quite sinister to read, it makes for uncomfortable reading – like that dude who was freed after being convicted for Jill Dandos murder – it’s like he wrote it!

This is very simple for you, you haven’t over complicated things and it reads more like a pop song than previous efforts because of its simplicity. One thing I would say though is that you write in your prose that the song is about an obsession with a celebrity, but the song could easily be interpreted as just someone ‘ordinary’, it doesn’t really make reference to a celebrity figure – it could quite easily be someone you spotted on the bus, who you never actually met, followed them off the bus, discovered where they lived, stalked them, filmed them, stole their washing, killed them....!

But to be serious, I like the simplicity – it’s not as clever as previous rounds, but I have a feeling you’ll be fine because too much puts the other two judges off! It’s a solid effort with a unique theme and it shows that you can do more than what you have done previously, just change the title. Well done.
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Contestant 9
Image
Punisher

3am, and I'm sitting in the dark
A glass of Jack Daniels beside me
The visions before me are cruel and stark
And I'm being tortured so slowly
Sometimes we tire of being strong
So we reach for the knife
It's not about what's right or what's wrong
We're just escaping the pain of life

The screaming, the crying
The voice that calls for help
The giving up, surrending
The loathing of myself
The stinging, the burning
The punisher within
The knowing, the learning
Committing a sin


I'm too scared to die
So I'll just have to keep hurting
Too exhausted to cry
Don't want to be disconcerting
6am, and the sun
Bears the blood on my skin
What have I done?
Where do I begin?

The screaming, the crying
The voice that calls for help
The giving up, surrending
The loathing of myself
The stinging, the burning
The punisher within
The knowing, the learning
Committing a sin


When we lose the reason to live
What do we live for?
When our hearts have so much to give
What's the passion we give for?

The screaming, the crying
The voice that calls for help
The giving up, surrending
The loathing of myself
The stinging, the burning
The punisher within
The knowing, the learning
Committing a sin


I'm too scared to die
So I'll just have to keep hurting
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: Another top effort from Contestant 9, it all feels very real. Unless you have a really tough life though, I am going to take it that it's not all based on your own experiences, which makes me both glad and impressed you can write so realistically. You have REALLY worked on the rhymes there, everything flowed with absolutely no problem at all, and while I found the lyrics very dark, it came out to me in a very catchy pop melody. It could be a nice juxtaposition, or indeed it could work in a much heavier rock track. You chose the best line/2 lines to repeat at the end, it's written so blase, but it's probably the actual bane of the characters life, like a really vicious circle, which makes it really touching. There's not really a lot to say here, very few criticisms other than that I wanted 'verse 3/middle 8' to be extended as I was enjoying it so much. Up there with the best again this time, well done.
the_beren: There’s a fine line between being emotive and being melodramatic, Contestant 9, and with this entry I feel that you’ve crossed it. Verse 1 reads like the beginning of a horror film – I can imagine it vividly, and the chorus is too over-the-top, especially the first half. Verse 2 is much better – the line I’m too scared to die / So I’ll just have to keep hurting resonates with me greatly and is an idea many people share but have struggled to put as beautifully as you have. I also love the way it ends with this line too, but the middle 8 seems a bit unnecessary. The lines – When we lose the reason to live / What do we live for? is a pointless question and I think it would irritate some people into shouting – “nothing of course!” as they listen to Emo FM. It seems like an attempt at being profound but it doesn’t quite work. All in all I think this was a song that needed to be made; it covers unusual territory and breaks the taboo of suicide without being corny and this put me in mind of Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode. Nevertheless, you could have made your point with a lot more subtlety.
Thombus: You’ve sneaked up on me, contestant nine – without doubt this is the best entry this week. Self harming is an odd theme to attempt to write about, but you did it with finesse and superb structure. The lyrics are not grim to the extent that you dwell on pain, darkness, blood etc, you actually skip around the subject but make sure its drummed into the listener with such lines as ‘Sometimes we tire of being strong/So we reach for the knife/It's not about what's right or what's wrong/We're just escaping the pain of life’ – brilliant.

I imagine a low toned male singer for this, gradually building up as the song progresses and the release is more apparent – a pop/rock romp which is so simplistic yet so catchy because of the excellent rhyming pattern. Wonderful.

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Contestant 10
Image[/quote]
Rebellion

Hey hey let me tell you
I just f***ing hate you
I guess I never told you
Because I was too kind

At first there was some love involved
But it was not enough to hold
The pieces of this insanity
Together and combined

Aren't you the slightest bit
Embarrassed by your behavior
I thought that by now you'd be
Tired of telling me I'm a failure

Rebellion, this is rebellion
You will no longer tell me what to do
Rebellion, this is rebellion
Tonight I walk away from you
You thought you knew me better than myself
But there's a side of me I never let sou see
It's you not me the one who needs some help
If you think I'll forgive again I guess you don't know me
At all, at all

I wanna watch you fall


Fyi your pretty face
Is not enough to keep in place
The things I'm going to erase
Right when I close the door

You think I am addicted
To what you have created
This sick sad situation well
Let me show you what's in store

I thought that by now you'd be
Tired of telling me I am immature
You say there's something wrong with me
But there will never be a cure

Rebellion, this is rebellion
I'm gonna fight against all your beliefs
Rebellion, this is rebellion
I am determined while you're just naive
You thought you knew me better than myself
I never trusted you enough to show you
It's you not me the one who needs some help
And all of what you think of me is not true
At all, at all

I wanna watch you fall


Get out of my head, that's what I said yeah
Get out of my head, that's what I said
I'd rather be dead than listen to ya
I'd rather be dead, I'd rather be dead

Get ouf of my head, gonna love me instead yeah
Love me instead the way that you never did
Get out of my head, I'd rather be dead yeah
Rather be dead than being part of it

Rebellion, this is rebellion
You will no longer tell me what to do
Rebellion, this is rebellion
Tonight I walk away from you
You thought you knew me better than myself
But there's a side of me I never let sou see
It's you not me the one who needs some help
If you think I'll forgive again I guess you don't know me

Rebellion, this is rebellion
I'm gonna fight against all your beliefs
Rebellion, this is rebellion
I am determined while you're just naive
You thought you knew me better than myself
I never trusted you enough to show you
It's you not me the one who needs some help
And all of what you think of me is not true

At all, at all
I wanna watch you fall
COMMENTS
king_oxymoron: What a strong end of week, really enjoyed this one also. A step up from last time I think. I struggled a bit with the line lengths, sometimes no matter what melody I put to it, the lines were just too long to fit into the structure, but there was some beautiful phrasing and I like the rhyme scheme you chose for the verses, love the second verse particularly.I think this is another case of verses stronger than chorus. It certainly gets the message across but I think it slips into a less densely brilliant place than the verse. For example, in verses 4 and 5 (that is to say the two after the chorus), you can spiel them off really snappily and it all works brilliantly with lots of great ideas and rhymes in a short space and for me this is lost in the chorus. I do really like the beliefs/naive rhyme of chorus 2 though.
It is an improvement on your last effort though and one of the better ones this week. there is a breakaway pack and for me you are in it, but I think I'd like to revisit your more unique ideas for you to keep yourself right at the top - perhaps next week don't write on relationships at all?
the_beren: This seems to be on the same subject as Mr N, Contestant 10, which is not necessarily a bad thing but it would have been good to see you turn your hand to a new topic on this free write round. The taut, sharp lyrics of the verses are spectacular and for once both your verses and chorus are very good, and it’s great that you wrote two different, but equally strong bridges and choruses. However I must say that in verse 4 it’s a shame how nothing rhymes until Let me show you what’s in store makes a connection with the verse before it. It’s not that it’s a badly-written section, it just seems a little out of place. I can imagine the middle 8 being joyously frantic and here lies the best line of the piece – Love me instead the way that you never did. Such depth in your lyrics is a bonus when the song might seem, on the surface, simply an angsty piece with little meaning. Reading between your lines is always a pleasure and this is a whole lot better than Popsicle from Round 3.
Thombus: Lmao – ‘Fyi your pretty face/Is not enough to keep in place’ sounds like a lyric from a Daphne & Celeste song!

I like the energy attached to this track – it could be aimed at anyone – a spiteful girlfriend, boyfriend or even a teenager expressing their angst towards their parents!

I think the verses are sometimes long in parts, and so I imagine this being sang very quickly – I don’t think the chorus is particularly strong, but saying that, it’s not weak to me – it’s just the first four lines I dislike but how would you re-word that? Best lyric for me is definitely ‘I wanna watch you fall’. Simple and effective. Well done.
Last edited by AyumiH on Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:17 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Postby Tom92 » Sat Jul 11, 2009 9:53 pm

:( I think i'm knocking on 7th Place door. Hope for the best though.

Btw I really like a couple of other people's songs. Wish I'd written them!
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Postby Thombus » Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:30 pm

W00p!!!

TV is shite tonight so I'm on to this now!
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Postby John » Sat Jul 11, 2009 10:33 pm

Contestant #9 = ace.

That's all the comment I'm gonna make, don't fancy another massive row. :lol:
This post is highly unlikely to be serious. Please treat it accordingly. Unless it's music-related, in which case I'm damn well right.
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Postby king_oxymoron » Sat Jul 11, 2009 11:10 pm

John wrote:Contestant #9 = ace.

That's all the comment I'm gonna make, don't fancy another massive row. :lol:
I put C9 top or second last time so when I read them I hope to agree with you this time ;)
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Postby theberen » Sun Jul 12, 2009 12:31 am

I think I know who Ahahuha, chaottic & Xyzyrgy are now.

Very strong round, though for me there are two entries that weren't as strong as the others. I really want to collaborate with some of you after this round! :D
I sing for the things money can't buy me.
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Postby king_oxymoron » Sun Jul 12, 2009 11:41 pm

Good work this week contestants - for me there are four of you in a sort of 'breakaway pack', and as a result I found it hard to know which order to put the last three in, none were by any means bad.
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